Dear uncivilized barbarian who decided to take a wiz next to me in the adjacent urinal:
“How’s the view?”
P.S. can the text message wait? Or is that an inappropriate
selfie shortie you’re taking with your phone?
P.S.S. when did it become typical behavior to discuss sales deals “in the john” between grunts and *splooshing* noises? Not cool, guys. Not cool. And wait, is there really a constipated dude watching Netflix in the far right stall… oh dear, and it’s only Monday.
In the corporate world, some things are just not okay. Taking a tinkle in the urinal directly adjacent to mine is one of them. The use of the phrase “taking a tinkle” is also not okay. Seriously guys, where did you learn your corporate pee etiquette? Here’s your guide to how to pee with dignity in the corporate world.
Lessons in corporate pee etiquette.
- Don’t say “taking a tinkle.” Ever. It’s not manly. Or dignified.
- Don’t use the stall directly adjacent to a member already in progress. Like a good neighbor, stay the f*** away when we’re taking care of personal business.
- DO wash your hands. With soap. At the very least with soap. Preferably before running your fingers through your sexy manbun. For the love of god, please adhere to this rule after taking a #2. And yes, I have witnessed men do this. Take a dump, fix their hair, not wash their hands, proceed to flirt with the first unsuspecting female in a pencil skirt, her being completely unaware that Manbun Dude has shit-for-brains and, also, shit literally on top of his brain.
- DO courtesy flush. Only wimps bask in the scent of their own evil droppings. No wants to come to the restroom and wonder why it smells like Jabba the Hutt took elephant poops.
- DO NOT be the guy who thinks poppin’ a squat is his part time job. You’re in there to get in and get out. Not occupy Wall Street.
- FORGO texting and peeing. Seriously. Haven’t those driving warnings taught us anything? It just isn’t safe.
- Don’t Netflix or Netflix-and-chill or even chill when taking a poo.
- Bathroom selfies are not okay. Not cool. Not cute. And is a bathroom felony punishable by me tossing your phone into the nearest unoccupied toilet.
- DO bring a spare bottle of Febreze and light that shit up.
- Shake it at your own risk. I don’t want to believe it’s raining yellow indoors.
- And a bonus one for good measure: Fart noises are totally not cool, BROOOOOOOO.